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I came across this song in 2018 and was completely blown away by it. I am not usually do not leave comments under YouTube videos but this song made me feel so many things that I ended up leaving a comment. It went something like this - "This song makes me taste a bit of what it would it be like waiting to say someone how much they mean to me and then in the meantime they're not around. How much ever I scream, my words will not reach them. That's the biggest regret that anyone can have. I hope I don't have it in my life."

 An intense song for sure. Let me know what you think about it.

Here’s the Youtube link : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZBG-S8uSfI

And the Spotify link : https://open.spotify.com/track/1pvi1LxX7QAGapp2r3yQLo?si=xqS_gAL2RHmQerfPo6u2rQ&utm_source=copy-link&dl_branch=1

 

Recently I got back to this song and it seemed like a good idea to see what this song means to me now.

 

‘Like the perfect ending

It won't be too long

Till everything I've ruined has seen me gone

In time, I pray you'll forgive

Now you know the man I am

Can you forgive me?’

 

I have been that kind of a person who would read the endings of the novel midway, the one who reads the plot of the movie before watching the movie. I am not really fan of suspense I'd say and knowing how things end gave me a sense of certainty and security. We romanticize the endings. The happily ever afters.

And do you feel responsible for all the bad that happens in life? Ruining things and seeking forgiveness for the mess that I am. Look at me in all my vulnerable glory, will you still forgive me for self-sabotaging my life?

 

‘I fall

Like the sands of time

Like some broken rhyme

At feet no longer there’

And there is no limit to how deep this abyss of shame and guilt can go. It feels like I am that odd piece in an art museum which degrades the beauty around itself. A broken rhyme, which once would go with a melody but now it no longer does.

 

‘If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away the pain you feel

I would

You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth could be

For that, I say thank you

This was my life

It never made much sense to me’

 

And then I met you. someone who made me face my fears, someone who makes me break patterns that no longer have any meaning left. Oh so forever grateful to finding you in my life.  And when I see you in pain, I wish that I could make everything that hurt you to disappear. Take away all your pain.

A 'you' which all of us encounter in our lives. A parent, a friend, a lover, a cousin, a sibling, a mentor, a pet and maybe - yourself. Life seems to make sense with them around us. We grow. But then we have this helpless feeling that maybe we cannot be there for them, as much they are there for us. How do I take this person's pain away? I am helpless.

 

‘With every lie that I lived

Part of me would fade

Into this empty shadow I've become

And now I feel so numb

I no longer know myself

But I still know you’

 

Which lie am I living today? What are the lies that I feed myself that take me away from myself. 'Everything is okay', 'I do not need help', 'They will change', 'They didn't mean to hurt me'. And even as I disappear into someone whom I barely recognize as myself, you are ever so familiar to me. I carry the way you make me feel.

 

‘I call

And there's no reply

Like some phantom cry

On ears too far away

I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by

The only thing I see is you

For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side

I say thank you’

Here lies my life

It never felt that real to me’

I call out, to myself. But I can't get through to who I was before. Was that my real version, or is this emptiness my actual abode. I can see hoe you've been by my side through the ups and downs of my life. I am forever grateful to you.

Is this my life? Is this all there is to my life?

 

‘You'll always mean so much to me

And there's no reply

And there's no reply

You'll never know how much you meant to me’

 

And I do not want to miss any chance of letting you know how much you mean to me. The chance that I will get will never be enough. Whose to know if this is the last chance to tell you this. And I keep moving away from who I was before and my voice doesn’t seem to be mine anymore.

 

‘If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away the pain you feel

I would

You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth could be

For that, I say thank you

This was my life

It never made much sense to me

 

I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by

The only thing I see is you

For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side

I say thank you’

 

You in my life

It all meant so much more to be

 

We had so much more to do. A life with no boundaries. But now it seems like I’m taking us back and the only way is to part ways. This is my honest attempt at saving you from the pain that you feel cause I no longer know who I am anymore. But we were meant to be so much more than this.

Concluding thoughts:

This can be a song that you sing to your former self, or the future self that you no longer can be. Life happens and it changes who we are and our self image. This song expresses gratitude for having that dream, that life while accepting that the reality has changed so much that there is no going back.


Thanks for reading.


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