Love - Ai

Growing up I watched a lot of Shoujo Anime. And those anime greatly shaped my fantasies regarding romantic love. I began to romanticize the childhood sweetheart kind of love. I also used to watch a lot of Disney sitcoms and listen to English love songs. You look so beautiful (to me) As most of the Indian households, I did not get to see the PDA kind of love. Have you ever loved somebody so much that it makes you cry I am leaving random song lyrics here and there not knowing if they are even correct or just misheard lyrics. 

Anyway, so the last decade was a happening decade in the sphere of love in my life, as it should be(18-28). I’ve had friends catch feelings for me, I’ve witnessed friends falling in love with each other, I’ve fallen in love, many kinds of love. And this love makes me feel so many different, difficult, unreal, lively feelings. 

 Now, the safest love for me will be familial in general and maternal in specific. It may not be so for many. And then there is the love that I grew to have for the people who become my close friends. I wish I could have loved them harder. The most romanticized love, the romantic love is the most challenging, with the great potential for self-discovery and growth. 

This love, it comes in waves sometimes. The initial excitement of the realization of some outsider now making space in our head, in our heart. And then the wishing that one could share every beautiful moment one witnesses with them and the helplessness one feels when one doesn’t get to be next to them or take their pain away. 

Then there is the circle of expectation, disappointment, excitement, hopes, dreams and then the plateau. Plateau isn’t a bad thing, it is the most desired state I suppose. The highs and lows are exhausting but make good poetry. The confusion that leads to clarity, the being at peace with how things can be and not how one thought they’d be and the self-discovery is worth it all, for most parts at least. The outsider is a part of who we are now, part of our fabric. 

And then there is the love that swept me away in the most unimaginable way. It was Millie and I am lucky to have experienced love like that and I continue to take that love forward. God, I miss her. 

I do not know how much of this ‘living alone’ is changing me as a person wrt to being able to give and accept love. I am not a proponent of spending days and months alone by myself. I do have human connections but I, oh so dearly, miss the occasional touch and a hug. 

It's certainly not all gloom and doom in my life, but there is surely a lot of being patient and persevering in uncertain times. I will be okay, there is no other alternative to that. I will accept the love that keeps coming my way and not hold back the love that I feel for others. As Morrie says ‘Love each other or perish’.

Comments

  1. AnonymousMay 7, 2023 at 2:41 PM

    It's wonderful to read your reflection on love and how it has shaped your life. It's inspiring to see how you've experienced different types of love and how they have helped you grow as a person. Your words show a deep understanding of the complexities of love and the emotions that come with it. Keep embracing the love that comes your way, and never stop giving it to those who matter to you.

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