Remembrance.

'They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time when somebody says your name for the last time'

As a human, I find myself wanting my loved ones to be safe and sound, to not be hurting, to not be in pain. But as a human, I know that life gives everyone a bit of everything. And I feel I am being selfish in a way because it is me who doesn’t want to feel helpless when they are not having a good time. Maybe, this is the reason why I’d rather go through the stuff myself than witness them go through it. There is this desire to hold on tightly to them, especially when I notice that things are changing. And then there is a fear that as life moves forward I’ll maybe start to forget the details which meant so much to me at a certain point of time.

In this new city, I find myself searching for familiar faces in the crowd. The moment I hear the language of my home city my ears beam up. Then there is a strange feeling to know that the people who are coming into my life, the ones I’m getting to know personally, have been living their lives without me noticing them. To know that I knew of their existence yet I took the time that I took to get to know them. The moments that I could have had with them. On the flip side, there are people whose birthdays I used to remember, but I have forgotten, the names, the eyes, the smiles, the stories - something which I thought I would never forgot. But we grew apart, sometimes on our own will, sometimes against our will and sometimes on fate’s will.

It would have been easier if the idea of ‘forever’ wasn’t portrayed as the best thing to have in life. I wish I knew as a kid that people will come and go from my life,and I will enter and exit from people’s lives. Chasing ‘forever’ ends up stealing the essence of now. The fact that I am replaceable is freeing than scary to me, to know that I am not special lifts a lot of pressure off my shoulders. I do not want to be any one’s special person, the one and only. I want to be one among a few, maybe, if not one amongst many. Its similar to me not wanting to be the best in class or the first in class. Competition makes me uneasy, it feels inauthentic to me. But, such is the conditioning that when they announce the winners, I hope they say my name. What a twisted machine my mind is. The same way it gets a kick when I get people’s approval which I probably don’t want anyway.

Have you ever thought about the relations that you share, how each relation is different. The connection that I share with my loved ones, past and present, is different in its own way. When the think about the friendships that I am making or the friendships that no longer exist, all are unique.(As a matter of fact, every time I start liking someone, the experience is different). There is no comparison, The roles they play are all different.

Now, coming back to where we began, on remembering our loved ones.Why do you think we want to be remembered when we know how fragile and ephemeral human memory is. For example, the memory of the most beautiful moments of our lives can be very different from what really was going on in that moment. Why should the world remember my existence? There are countless people who walked on this land whom no one remembers today, yet that doesn’t change the fact of their existence and makes their existence no less important.

In the grand scheme of events of the universe, our existence is both remarkable and unremarkable. So, I will remember to takes things lightly, especially on the days when I wear my Kurti/Pyajama inside out and go outdoors or when I have lipstick stains on my teeth or when a guy looks into my eyes as if he can see my entire self. I have to just focus on loving my people, be okay with making mistakes(especially, mistakes in loving others). Here’s to me not taking things too seriously, I will always be sensitive, but I can surely try taking things less seriously.

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