This is not a PLANdemic

Life keeps changing.It is so dynamic that we get to notice the big changes alone.

What's in a Pandemic?
Big change but not big enough

Half year of the year, an year of my life.

Sometimes I wonder why do I even dream about experiencing or living the mental scenarios that I make. Most of the times the good ones, few nights even the bad ones.

More often than not, I guess the mental scenarios that I make are not even mine. They are just bits and snaps of the songs, poems, essays, movies that I have borrowed because I liked them at a certain point of time in my life.

So what is it that I want if I take away all the internalised outside influence. Do I really need to be disappointed when something that I supposedly wish for doesn't come true?

And the fact that it is hard for me to recollect how I was or what I used to do still surprises me.
Was I a good person? Who is a good person?
If not for the photographs I would not even remember how I used to look like.
She's like a stranger to me now.

As I look at myself in my front camera, I wonder if I have always looked like this.
Is this me? I close my eyes and try to recollect my face.
Like many faces, it's not a familiar face to me.

But why can I recollect the pain like it is running through my body as I write this? This feeling of mental isolation, the questions about reality.
The good times I do remember but they are like a story that I tell myself to be able to be hopeful.

The pain and hurt can go only when I forgive those who have hurt me, knowingly and unknowingly. I need to forgive myself  for hurting me. Ask for forgiveness.

Forgive all the people who watered the weeds of my insecurities and made me feel like a wasteland.

Let the words that burn me melt away in the passage of time. The scars will remain but the hurt I can let go of.
I can heal my wounds.

I don't want to be complicated. I want to untangle myself and face the biggest demon that I have raised in the dungeon of my heart, feeding it my energies all these years.

And I am grateful to have my people who love me with all my flaws and gems. I love them with all my heart.

Yet, sometimes I feel like I'm better off alone, no more an inconvenience.

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